Interruption Des Programmes

Chères lectrices, cher lecteurs, humains, chats et entre-deux,

   Moins de deux mois après sa création, le blog est en péril. A quinze ans, Roméo est un vieux chat et sa santé est déclinante. Une visite chez le vétérinaire a malheureusement confirmé me spires craintes: le temps de Roméo est désormais compté. Bien qu’il suive un traitement constitué d’injections hebdomadaires et de cachets écrasés dans sa nourriture destinés à rendre ses jours plus agréables et à repousser l’inévitable, il n’existe aucun remède contre ce mal qui le ronge: la vieillesse. L’avenir de ce blog est donc plus qu’incertain. Cependant, je ne suis pas prêt à faire une croix dessus, d’autant qu’il reste plusieurs possibilités pour « poursuivre l’aventure », ne serait-ce que pour rendre hommage à ce fidèle compagnon, et par la même occasion garder le sourire. En attendant, je ne vais pas poster pendant un moment. D’abord parce que le choc de la nouvelle m’a retiré toute inspiration et toute saveur à ces échanges, et surtout, je consacre maintenant plus de temps à ce bon chat qui a du coup besoin de plus d’attention.

Chris.

Dear readers, humans, cats and in-between,

Less than two months after its creation, the blog’s very raison d’être is threatened. Now fifteen years old, Roméo is an old cat and not as healthy as he used to be. We went to the vet who confirmed it, Roméo’s on borrowed time. Though he’s being treated with pills and weekly injections destined to help him and delay the inevitable, there is no cure for what ails him : old age. Thus, the blog faces an uncertain future although I’m not quite ready to call it quits just yet. I still have a few ideas on how to carry our journey on, if only to pay tribute to my faithful companion and to keep fond memories of him instead of sad and painful ones. In the meantime I won’t be posting anything for a while seeing as I lost all inspiration and witty comments when I learnt about his condition. And most of all, I am now dedicating more time to taking care of that good ol’ cat. 

Chris.

Le Chat & La Petite Souris

Roméo: No way.
Chris: Yes way.
Roméo: I’m not going.
Chris: Funny, I didn’t remember asking you your opinion.
Roméo: But I don’t want to go!
Chris: It’s for your own good. To make you all better.
Roméo: But I’m not sick. I’m all better now.
Chris: Says the cat who accidently spit a piece his lung when he was coughing earlier.
Roméo: It wasn’t a piece of lung, it was my tooth. It fell but was still attached and hanging out of my mouth.
Chris: That it so gross. I think you scarred me for life.
Roméo: That’s because you’re a pansy. Do you think I’m going to get some money or a gift?
Chris: Why?
Roméo: Well, human children get stuff when they lose a tooth. So maybe I could get something. I made a list. Look.
Chris: You’re talking about the Tooth Fairy? Like you said it’s for human children. You’re neither human nor young. And… A signed copy of Sabrina The Teenage Witch DVDs? Seriously?
Roméo: What? It’s a good show. I’m a big fan of Salem.
Chris: You’re definitely going to the vet.

Once Again, Humans Prevail

Roméo: What are you doing?

Chris: Isn’t that obvious? I’m dancing.

Roméo: Yeah, but why?

Chris: Well, I ate two slices of chocolate cake and two slices of another delicious cake. So life is good.

Roméo: Yes. Wonderful.

Chris: And to top it all, Mufasa liked my present! He actually liked it! This is so cool!

Roméo: Do you have to rub it in my face?

Chris: Oh, sorry. I forgot you didn’t give him anything. 

Roméo: Well it’s not my fault I couldn’t find the head. 

Chris: Somehow I don’t think that was the main issue.

Roméo: How was I supposed to know that decomposition worked so fast? 

Chris: Maybe next time you could go with a less… err… disgusting gift? Buy him a tee-shirt or something.

Roméo: Whatever. For all you know, your brother could have been pretending to like your gift.

Chris: You’re a dick, you know that?

And How Does That Make You Feel?

Chris: I feel like shit.

Roméo: Why? What happened? I thought you had a good day?

Chris: I did. But I still feel awful.

Roméo: You saw Cel, right?

Chris: Yes.

Roméo: You had a good time with her?

Chris: Yes.

Roméo: You enjoyed the movie?

Chris: Yes.

Roméo: You found a gift for your brother?

Chris: Yes.

Roméo: A cheap and crappy gift?

Chris: Yes.

Roméo: Then what? Those things usually make you very happy. Especially the last one.

Chris: I know. But I feel bad. I should have gotten him something better. A real present.

Roméo: Wow. You did not just say that. Who are you and what have you done with Chris?

Chris: I’m not possessed, believe me.

Roméo: I don’t. But if it makes you feel better, we can say you helped me chase the present I’m going to give him. As soon as I find that damned head! 

All right, Mr. DeMille. I'm ready for my close up.

Roméo: I want a part in your movie.

Chris: Huh?

Roméo: Your movie. You’re writing a movie, right? Well, I want a part in it.

Chris: Okay. Let me think about it… Nope.

Roméo: Why?

Chris: Just because. You can’t be in my movie.

Roméo: But I’ve read your script. It needs a cat. A heroic, dashing cat to save the day. And I’ve got the perfect cat for the job: me.

Chris: That script is not even finished! It’s only 20 pages long, I’ve got a writer’s block.

Roméo: That’s because there’s no cat. Try to put one in it and you’ll see. You’ll have a 100 pages in no time.

Chris: Nu-uh. Never gonna happen. There’s no room for a cat in the story, and even if there was, I wouldn’t pick you.

Roméo: Hey, I’ll have you know that I almost made it to Hollywood back in the days.

Chris: Reeeeally?

Roméo: Yes. Remember that  movie, Garfield ? Well, I almost got the lead. 

Chris: Garfield is CGI.

Roméo: I know. But before that, I auditioned and almost got the part.

Chris: Almost? What happened? You fit the profile. Lazy, self-centered, sarastic, cynical...

Roméo: I know, right? They said it was like the movie was written for me. Alas, I fell asleep during the audition. After that, they decided to go with CGI.

Chris: Sorry about that.

Roméo: Me too. And this CGI guy is a terrible actor. He looks fake.

Chris: … 

Killing People Is Rude

Roméo: Telepathic! Telepathic! I’ll give you telepathic!

Chris: What’s wrong?

Roméo: I decided that we’re going to nuke Korea as soon as we take over the world.

Chris: What!? Why?

Roméo: V.

Chris: What about him?

Roméo: We’re going to nuke his ass off!

Chris: We can’t do that! V’s one of my best friends!

Roméo: Not anymore. 

Chris: Be reasonable. You can’t nuke a whole country just to kill one person. And we’re definitely not killing V.

Roméo: Yes we are!

Chris: What has he ever done to you?

Roméo: I heard you the other day. He said we’re having “telepathic conversations”!

Chris: So?

Roméo: So, we are not. Just because he can’t understand what I’m saying doesn’t mean I’m not speaking at all. It’s rude to assume such things.

Chris: And that’s why you want to nuke Korea? Because he said that?

Roméo: Damn right!

Chris: But you can’t!

Roméo: I know I can’t right now. We haven’t taken over the world yet but as soon as we do…

Chris: No! I mean you can’t because if you kill him, you kill half of our readers!

Roméo: What? Koreans are reading us?

Chris: No! I meant him. He’s one of the only two readers we have. That’s why you can’t kill him if you ever want to be famous.

Roméo: Oh.

Roméo: Damn. 

Chris: I know.

Roméo: I thought we were more popular than that. 

An Impossible Task

Roméo: I don’t get what you’re doing this.

Chris: Because it’s tradition. And, according to my parents and to genetics, he’s my brother.

Roméo: I know, but usually you just…

Chris: … don’t care? Damn right! And I still don’t. But it’s the big 18. It’ll look bad if I don’t at least make an effort.

Roméo: Okay. So, you got any idea?

Chris: Nope. All I know is that it has to be cheap enough so I can afford it.

Roméo: You could draw his portrait. That would cost you nothing.

Chris: Nothing besides nightmare. And I told you, I don’t know how to draw lions.

Roméo: Oh, I got one! What about chocolate? He loves chocolate!

Chris: Yeah… But I would probably eat them before even getting home.

Roméo: You’re really not making this easy. At least, I don’t have to buy him anything. Ah, the joy of being me!

Chris: That’s pretty unfair if you ask me.

Roméo: Oh, but I’m still getting him something.

Chris: Really? What did you buy him? Maybe I could say we purchased it together?

Roméo: Err… I didn't purchase it per se. More like… chased it. I’m keeping it somewhere in the garden. But I can’t find the head, I hope he doesn’t mind.

Chris: I think I’m going to throw up.

Job Hunting 1

Chris: Okay… Butcher… Ew. Definitely a no. 

Roméo: What are you doing? 

Chris: Job hunting.

Roméo: Again?

Chris: Well, you may have noticed that I still don’t have a job.

Roméo: I thought your job was to take care of me.

Chris: No, I’m taking care of you because I’m a masochist, and because nobody else will.

Roméo: Right. So what do you have so far?

Chris: Butcher.

Roméo: Ew, gross.

Chris: My thoughts exactly.

Roméo: What about this one? They’re looking for a cook, no experience or diplomas needed.

Chris: I hate cooking.

Roméo: But you’re always baking cakes.

Chris: No I’m not, and it’s not the same thing. I bake chocolate cakes to eat them. I’m not a cook. Plus, I don’t think setting their kitchen on fire would get me a gold star.

Roméo: Probably not. What about this one? Hair dresser…

Chris: No way. I can barely do my hair correctly.

Roméo: Well, you know what they say about doctors being the worst patients. It works for hair dressers too.

Chris: Ah yes. But no, I’m still not interested in listening to old women’s gossip all day long. I already have to listen to you bitching all day long.

Roméo: That’s not true, I don’t bitch, I… I strongly express my opinion.

Chris: Right. I’m tired of this, let’s go watch CSI instead.

Roméo: I thought you’d never ask!

Weapons Of Ears Destruction

Roméo: Hey!

Chris: …

Roméo: Hello?

Chris: …

Roméo: What’s going on?

Chris: I’m not talking to you.

Roméo: Why? What’s wrong?

Chris: You’re asking me what’s wrong? Seriously?

Roméo: I thought that was obvious.

Chris: You want to know what’s wrong? Okay, I’ll tell you! It’s you! You, you stupid deaf, power hungry, noisy, lazy cat!

Roméo: Don’t you think it’s funny you just described yourself, save for the cat part?

Chris: Argh! I hate you!

Roméo: Can I at least know what I did wrong?

Chris: You snored! You fraking snored again! With Mufasa out of the house I thought I could sleep undisturbed for once but noooo! You had to come, sleep on my bed, and snore my ear off!

Roméo: I always sleep in your room…

Chris: Yes, and that is fine. But there’s a strict “no snoring” rule! You can’t snore! 

Roméo: Well, it’s not like I can help it.

Chris: I don’t care! What is it, huh? You and Mufasa are ganging up on me, aren’t you? Is this your masterplan? Driving me crazy with the snoring and then take advantage of my sleep deprivation to attack me, is that it?

Roméo: No! Of course not! I’m sorry, I’ll try to refrain.

Chris: You’d better. Next time, I’m throwing you out. Plus that plan would never work in a million years.

Roméo: I know. (Don’t be so sure about that! Mwa ah ah!!!)

A (Boring) Day In The Life

Roméo: Hey.
Chris: Hey.
Roméo: …
Chris: …
Roméo: You too, eh?
Chris: Yeah.
Roméo: …
Chris: …
Roméo: We could do something.
Chris: Got an idea?
Roméo: …
Roméo: No. You?
Chris: Nope.
Roméo: …
Chris: …
Roméo: …
Chris: Still nothing?
Roméo: Still nothing.
Chris: …
Roméo: …
Chris: I’m so bored right now.
Roméo: Yeah, me too.

The Dangers Of The Internet

Roméo: Hum… 26, brunette, petite… Any picture? Ah yes! Oh no. Ewww. 

Roméo: 30, blonde… Nice legs! For a human anyway. A bit old though. 

Roméo: Ah! 22… Demona666 ? What kind of name is that?

Chris: Hey, watcha doin’?

Roméo: Nothing!

Chris: Is that…

Roméo: No it’s not!

Chris: What are you doing on my myspace page?

Roméo: Err… Nothing.

Chris: What is this? What… who is Demona666?

Roméo: I was wondering myself. Look at her pic. She’s a goth. Kind of pretty.

Chris: What the hell are you doing on my myspace page? Even better, what are you doing on my computer?

Roméo: I’m managing your myspace. Right now, I’m sorting through all your friends.

Chris: I don’t have friends on myspace. I almost never use myspace. 

Roméo: Yes you do. You just don’t know it. Now you have 103 friends, all chosen by yours truly. I had no idea there were so many ugly people. Some girls are so hairy they look like cats! Kinda scary!

Chris: Wha… How… Okay, stop!

Roméo: Look at their profiles. I’ve picked the best looking humans! All you have to do is choose.

Chris: Are you trying to set me up on a virtual blind date?

Roméo: I’m trying to get you a life!

Chris: A virtual life!

Roméo: Yeah. But given the state of things, I think you are that desperate. 

Chris: …

Roméo: So?

Chris: Okay.

Roméo: Really?

Chris: Yeah. Scoot. I want to check out Demona666’s profile. Look, she lives in Paris.

Roméo: Yeah, it’s a bit far.

Chris: No, it’s perfect. Can you imagine if we get along? We could go out, get together. I would go to Paris everyday to see her.

Roméo: Great.

Chris: That’s cool. I’m going to send her a message. And then, I’ll help you find someone.

Roméo: I don’t think there’s a myspace for cats.

Chris: No! Not that kind of someone. I meant someone to look after you. I won’t have time for you now, with Demona666.

Roméo: Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.

Chris: It’s so cool! “Hi, my name is Chris. I’m 23…”

Roméo: You know what? Myspace is not that great after all. Let me erase all that stuff and then we’ll watch something. How about that?

Chris: Perfect. (Take that, you meddlesome cat!)