Hello, Goodbye

Roméo: Wow. This room hasn't changed at all. Still a huge mess!
Chris: Hey, play ni... Ro? What? Are you a ghost? What are you doing here?
Roméo: Yeah, I'm the ghost of bloody Christmas Past! Of course not, you idiot. You're just hallucinating.
Chris: Oh... Well. You look...
Roméo: Great? Smashing? Positively gorgeous?
Chris: I was going for normal, but yeah, whatever floats your boat.
Roméo: You allways had such a way with words.

***

Chris: The fires of eternal damnation don't seem to leave any marks. I thought you'd smell like overcooked toast.
Roméo: Hell? Nah. Mate, you're looking at the greatest cat resident Heaven ever had.
Chris: Yeah right.
Roméo: True story! You wouldn't believe how great it is up there.
Chris: Really?
Roméo: Yup. I've never seenn so many hot pussycats in my whole life. And trust me, they now how to tire a cat out.
Chris: Ew. Gross. So does that mean they gave you your testicles back?

***

Roméo: So, what about you? What are you up to?
Chris: Well, you know. Driving, making friends, trying to write , plotting to take over the world. Same old, same old. Don't you, I don't know, look after me from Heaven?
Roméo: What, you think I have time for that?
Chris: Still as selfless as you used to be I see.
Roméo: I have to admit though, I miss you.
Chris: I miss you too.

***

Chris: So, will I ever see you again?
Roméo: Sure. Whenever you hit your head too hard and you start to hallucinate. Or whenever you want to write about the greatest cat that ever lived.
Chris: Oh. That's nice. I guess.
Roméo: Well, I should get going.
Chris: Yeah, okay. You know, Ro, I know I've said it before, but I really do l...
Roméo: Come on now, you're not gonna get all girly on me now?
Chris: So what?
Roméo: Such a drama queen.
Chris: Okay then. But you know I do.
Roméo: Yeah, you too. Well...
Chris: Yeah.
Roméo: One more thing. Be nice with the new guy.
Chris: What new guy?
Roméo: You know what I'm talking about. Be as good to him as you were to me.
Chris: Okay.
Roméo: Goodbye then. See ya in your next hallucination.
Chris: Bye, Ro.

Ev'rybody Wants To Be A Cat

Roméo: Ev'rybody wants to be a cat, because a cat's the only cat who know where he's at.
Chris: Hey? What'cha doin'?
Roméo: What does it look like I'm doing? Ev'rybody's picking up on that feeling beat...
Chris: I'd say it sounds like you're torturing small animals.
Roméo: 'Cause everything else is obsolete. Very funny, you're hilarious.
Chris: Thanks. Is there a particular reason for you destroying my ears?
Roméo: Now a square with a horn, can make you wish you weren't born, ever'time he plays.
Chris: Let me guess, this is how you're going to help me take over the world.
Roméo: And with a square in the act, he can set music back to the caveman days.
Chris: I have to say, very effective. It's going to be a mass murder.
Roméo: Do you mind? I'm practising for an audition.
Chris: What audition?
Roméo: The Aristocats: The Musical. I've decided I want to be on Broadway.
Chris: Right. This musical doesn't exist.
Roméo: Yet. But soon it will. And I wanna be ready. I've heard some corny birds who tried to sing...
Chris: At this rate, you'll kill the competition.
Roméo: I know. But a cat's the only cat who knows how to swing.
Chris: Litterally.

Job Hunting 2

Chris: This is pointless!
Roméo: What's going on?
Chris: I've been browing through the job ads and there's nothing. Nada. Niet.
Roméo: Really? You're that incompetent?
Chris: Hey! Watch it, furball. They all require some experience. And I have none. This is stupid. How can I get any experience if nobody will let me?
Roméo: Yeah that's dumb. So there's really nothing?
Chris: Well... There is something.
Roméo: Ah! Do tell.
Chris: It's an offer to be a pallbearer.
Roméo: Seriously?
Chris: It's the only job that doesn't require experience it seems.
Roméo: Are you going to apply for it?
Chris: No! You crazy? It says you have to prep the body and everything.
Roméo: So? It's like that show...
Chris: That's not for me. What show?
Roméo: Six Feet Under. I saw a couple of episodes, it was kinda good.
Chris: I've never watched it and I'm still not interested. I don't wanna touch dead stuff. Seriously, what kind of morbid job is that?
Roméo: Well, someone has to do it.
Chris: Says the cat who's putting dead animals in our shoes as gifts.
Roméo: Quit complaining, everybody likes my presents. And that job doesn't seem too complicated so it's right up your alley.
Chris: I'm going to hit you, you know?
Roméo: What? It's not my fault if it's true.
Chris: Anyway, I can't apply.
Roméo: Why?
Chris: It says you can't be taller than 5.7 feet.
Roméo: So?
Chris: So I'm taller than that.
Roméo: You're really not helping you know? It's like you're doing this on purpose just to stay at home.
Chris: What, no...
Roméo: Fine. Be that way. Be a lazy sod all you want. I have better things to do.
Chris: ...
Chris: Did that just happened?

Role Playing

Roméo: So I see you’ve done an internship.
Chris: Several, actually. I did one at a local TV station and the others in various production companies.
Roméo: You do realize that we’re a small company. You won’t get much… exposure, dare I say.
Chris: It’s okay, I like small companies better. I like the atmosphere. And it usually means I get more work.
Roméo: Indeed it does. And you’ve worked on the latest editing… things?
Chris: Softwares.
Roméo: Right. I can never read your scrawl. So?
Chris: Yes, I have.
Roméo: Good. Well, I have no further questions. We still have a few candidates to interview and well get back to you very soon.
Chris: Thank you for your time.
Roméo: …
Roméo: So, how was I? Told you I could act.
Chris: Yeah, you deserve an Oscar. How did I do?
Roméo: You did good.
Chris: Really? Great! So, you’d give me the job?
Roméo: Nope.
Chris: What?! Why?
Roméo: Remember this morning when you called me a fat lazy arse? I resent that. And I’m not sure your boss would like to be called that either.
Chris: I would never call my boss that.
Roméo: But calling me fat is okay?
Chris: Is that a trick question?
Roméo: See? You’re fired!
Chris: You can’t fire me. You didn’t even hire!
Roméo: Well, you’re hired. Welcome. And you’re fired! Goodbye! You despicable incompetent piece of human scum!
Chris: Don’t let it be said that he can’t get into character.

Allies

Roméo: I like this guy.
Chris: Who?
Roméo: The new president. Obama.
Chris: Really? Why?
Roméo: He reminds me of us. He wants to take over the world. Maybe we could give him a few pointers?
Chris: I think you got the wrong president. Obama’s already ruling the world. Sarkozy’s the one who wants to take over.
Roméo: Well, maybe we could offer him some sort of alliance.
Chris: I don’t know, but for some reason, I don’t think he’d be interested in being our ally.
Roméo: How would you know?
Chris: Just a hunch. Also, the last time you offered an alliance, it didn’t end well.
Roméo: In my defense, they were just a couple of mice.
Chris: The only ones who were willing to work with us. And you ate them.
Roméo: Could have been worse.
Chris: Really? How?
Roméo: They could have tasted awful! But they didn’t, they tasted great!
Chris: You’re gross.
Roméo: So, how about him? Sarkozy?
Chris: I don’t think he’s interested in working alongside with cats.
Roméo: You’re right. We don’t need anyone. One day we’ll rule the world. And everybody will hate him.
Chris: …
Chris: At least we won’t have to work too hard to accomplish that one.

Give Me A Sign

Chris: :)
Roméo: :)
Chris: :D
Roméo: ;)
Chris: :p
Roméo: |{
Chris: 8D
Roméo: :@
Chris: 8-)
Roméo: }:(
Chris: :o
Roméo: }:[)
Chris: :'(
Roméo: };]
Chris: :D
Roméo: <:o)
Chris: :^)
Roméo: :-I
Chris: *-)
Roméo: I'm confused.
Chris: Me too.

The One Behind The Wheel

Roméo: So now you want to learn how to drive? That’s a new one.
Chris: Why? What’s wrong with that?
Roméo: Nothing. It’s just… What happened to cars being “evil contraptions invented by demons to destroy mankind”?
Chris: I never said that.
Roméo: I’m pretty sure you did.
Chris: I’m pretty sure I didn’t.
Roméo: My point is you didn’t want to drive.
Chris: And now I do. It’s called growing up. You should try it sometime.
Roméo: Be a smartass all you want. I will never, ne-eh-ever get in a car with you behind the wheel.
Chris: Why? I’d be a good driver.
Roméo: Are you kidding me? You’d be the worst driver ever.
Chris: I wouldn’t.
Roméo: You would. Even I can beat you at Gran Turismo.
Chris: It’s not my fault. It’s the controller. It’s not working properly. Plus, it’s all virtual. It doesn’t matter.
Roméo: Yeah? Remind me how you broke your leg?
Chris: What? What does it have to do with anything? I was six!
Roméo: Just answer the question.
Chris: Okay, it was while riding my first bike. But it was an accident.
Roméo: Yeah? Well, I don’t want to end up accidentally smashed against the windshield because someone doesn’t know how to use the stick shift.
Chris: Someone can still accidentally kick you right now, you know?

Fool For You

Roméo: I’m really glad you’re back.
Chris: Yeah?
Roméo: Yeah, I missed you.
Chris: …
Chris: Right. Spill It.
Roméo: What? Spill what?
Chris: Whatever it is you want from me.
Roméo: Nothing!
Chris: Of course. You honestly missed me. Like I’m supposed to believe that.
Roméo: But it’s true. I did miss you!
Chris: Liar. You always have an ulterior motive.
Roméo: I’m not lying. Honest.
Chris: Really?
Roméo: Yeah.
Chris: Well thanks! I’m touched, Big R. Okay, you get to pick what we watch tonight.
Roméo: Thanks!
Chris: My pleasure.
Roméo: Can I ask you something else?
Chris: Shoot.
Roméo: You see, while you were away, your mom fed me beef in jelly.
Chris: So?
Roméo: Well… If you wouldn’t mind… I kinda… If you wouldn’t mind… Some salmon.
Chris: No problem. I’ll go pick some at the store later, ‘kay?
Roméo: Thank you! (Wow, I can't believe how easy that was!)

The Simple Plan

Chris: Hey, what’s up?
Roméo: Nothing, I’m writing my letter to Santa.
Chris: Right. You do know that Christmas is still months away?
Roméo: I know but I prefer to be ready in advance. There. All done.
Chris: Can I read it?
Roméo: Sure. I think the spelling’s good though.
Chris: Okay.
Chris: …
Chris: The Aristocats? Seriously? Haven’t you see this movie, oh I don’t know, like a zillion times?
Roméo: Yeah, and the VHS is dead. I want the DVD. It’ll last longer.
Chris: And what did you put the address of a Virgin Megastore in your letter?
Roméo: Well, I saw this documentary on Santa the other day and it showed how he makes all those toys and stuff. And I figured, with all those kids in the world it would be much faster for him to go buy the toys and then distribute them instead of making them. Do you know how long it takes to make a DVD?
Chris: I don’t know what to say.
Roméo: I know, clever, right? I’m surprised, for an old dude, he doesn’t seem very bright. So I’ll even join a map to show him how to get there.
Chris: Of course you will.
Roméo: See, now I’m sure I’ll get the right gift. You should do the same thing if you don’t want to end up like all those kids who never get the right present on Christmas. I wonder why no one ever thought of that.
Chris: Yeah, I wonder.

The Young And The Restless Ruin

Roméo: So, who are you rooting for?
Chris: Nadal, of course.
Roméo: What? Traitor!
Chris: Why? Who are you rooting for?
Roméo: Federer of course.
Chris: Of course you are.
Roméo: What is that supposed to mean?
Chris: Nothing. Just the old geezers sticking together as usual. And I’m not a traitor.
Roméo: Well, I’m not old. And yes you are. You should support the player from your country.
Chris: Federer’s not French. He’s Swiss. And sorry to break it to you pal, but you’re old. You’re practically a ruin. Federer should just quit and let the new generation take over.
Roméo: How dare you! You know what? The ruin says you can go frak yourself.
Chris: Yeah? Well, the ruin is not going to have anything to eat today!
Roméo: You wouldn’t!
Chris: I would!
Roméo: No!
Chris: Ye… Shhh, the game’s about to start.
Roméo: Finally!
Chris: Is Federer supposed to look like a woman?
Roméo: I wouldn’t know, you all look the same to me.
Chris: I think we got the wrong schedule.

Happy Birdsday

Roméo: Ah, there you are!
Chris: There I am.
Roméo: So, I really wanted to say, I’m sorry.
Chris: What did you do this time?
Roméo: It’s about your birthday.
Chris: What about it?
Roméo: Well, I had a present idea for you but... But since I already got a mouse for your brother…
Chris: A headless mouse.
Roméo: Whatever. Since I got him the mice, I can’t get you the same thing.
Chris: Oh, don’t worry about it. Really. I’ll survive.
Roméo: Really?
Chris: Really.
Roméo: Okay, good. Thank you! I’m glad you’re okay with that, ‘cause I have this great new idea!
Chris: Oh?
Roméo: Yup! By the way, you’re not allergic to birds, right?
Chris: ...
Chris: On second thought, my birthday is still six months away… Maybe you should take your time and think it through.
Roméo: Oh, don’t worry. It’s already done and wrapped up. I put it in the freezer.

Le Chat & La Petite Souris

Roméo: No way.
Chris: Yes way.
Roméo: I’m not going.
Chris: Funny, I didn’t remember asking you your opinion.
Roméo: But I don’t want to go!
Chris: It’s for your own good. To make you all better.
Roméo: But I’m not sick. I’m all better now.
Chris: Says the cat who accidently spit a piece his lung when he was coughing earlier.
Roméo: It wasn’t a piece of lung, it was my tooth. It fell but was still attached and hanging out of my mouth.
Chris: That it so gross. I think you scarred me for life.
Roméo: That’s because you’re a pansy. Do you think I’m going to get some money or a gift?
Chris: Why?
Roméo: Well, human children get stuff when they lose a tooth. So maybe I could get something. I made a list. Look.
Chris: You’re talking about the Tooth Fairy? Like you said it’s for human children. You’re neither human nor young. And… A signed copy of Sabrina The Teenage Witch DVDs? Seriously?
Roméo: What? It’s a good show. I’m a big fan of Salem.
Chris: You’re definitely going to the vet.

Once Again, Humans Prevail

Roméo: What are you doing?

Chris: Isn’t that obvious? I’m dancing.

Roméo: Yeah, but why?

Chris: Well, I ate two slices of chocolate cake and two slices of another delicious cake. So life is good.

Roméo: Yes. Wonderful.

Chris: And to top it all, Mufasa liked my present! He actually liked it! This is so cool!

Roméo: Do you have to rub it in my face?

Chris: Oh, sorry. I forgot you didn’t give him anything. 

Roméo: Well it’s not my fault I couldn’t find the head. 

Chris: Somehow I don’t think that was the main issue.

Roméo: How was I supposed to know that decomposition worked so fast? 

Chris: Maybe next time you could go with a less… err… disgusting gift? Buy him a tee-shirt or something.

Roméo: Whatever. For all you know, your brother could have been pretending to like your gift.

Chris: You’re a dick, you know that?

And How Does That Make You Feel?

Chris: I feel like shit.

Roméo: Why? What happened? I thought you had a good day?

Chris: I did. But I still feel awful.

Roméo: You saw Cel, right?

Chris: Yes.

Roméo: You had a good time with her?

Chris: Yes.

Roméo: You enjoyed the movie?

Chris: Yes.

Roméo: You found a gift for your brother?

Chris: Yes.

Roméo: A cheap and crappy gift?

Chris: Yes.

Roméo: Then what? Those things usually make you very happy. Especially the last one.

Chris: I know. But I feel bad. I should have gotten him something better. A real present.

Roméo: Wow. You did not just say that. Who are you and what have you done with Chris?

Chris: I’m not possessed, believe me.

Roméo: I don’t. But if it makes you feel better, we can say you helped me chase the present I’m going to give him. As soon as I find that damned head! 

All right, Mr. DeMille. I'm ready for my close up.

Roméo: I want a part in your movie.

Chris: Huh?

Roméo: Your movie. You’re writing a movie, right? Well, I want a part in it.

Chris: Okay. Let me think about it… Nope.

Roméo: Why?

Chris: Just because. You can’t be in my movie.

Roméo: But I’ve read your script. It needs a cat. A heroic, dashing cat to save the day. And I’ve got the perfect cat for the job: me.

Chris: That script is not even finished! It’s only 20 pages long, I’ve got a writer’s block.

Roméo: That’s because there’s no cat. Try to put one in it and you’ll see. You’ll have a 100 pages in no time.

Chris: Nu-uh. Never gonna happen. There’s no room for a cat in the story, and even if there was, I wouldn’t pick you.

Roméo: Hey, I’ll have you know that I almost made it to Hollywood back in the days.

Chris: Reeeeally?

Roméo: Yes. Remember that  movie, Garfield ? Well, I almost got the lead. 

Chris: Garfield is CGI.

Roméo: I know. But before that, I auditioned and almost got the part.

Chris: Almost? What happened? You fit the profile. Lazy, self-centered, sarastic, cynical...

Roméo: I know, right? They said it was like the movie was written for me. Alas, I fell asleep during the audition. After that, they decided to go with CGI.

Chris: Sorry about that.

Roméo: Me too. And this CGI guy is a terrible actor. He looks fake.

Chris: … 

Killing People Is Rude

Roméo: Telepathic! Telepathic! I’ll give you telepathic!

Chris: What’s wrong?

Roméo: I decided that we’re going to nuke Korea as soon as we take over the world.

Chris: What!? Why?

Roméo: V.

Chris: What about him?

Roméo: We’re going to nuke his ass off!

Chris: We can’t do that! V’s one of my best friends!

Roméo: Not anymore. 

Chris: Be reasonable. You can’t nuke a whole country just to kill one person. And we’re definitely not killing V.

Roméo: Yes we are!

Chris: What has he ever done to you?

Roméo: I heard you the other day. He said we’re having “telepathic conversations”!

Chris: So?

Roméo: So, we are not. Just because he can’t understand what I’m saying doesn’t mean I’m not speaking at all. It’s rude to assume such things.

Chris: And that’s why you want to nuke Korea? Because he said that?

Roméo: Damn right!

Chris: But you can’t!

Roméo: I know I can’t right now. We haven’t taken over the world yet but as soon as we do…

Chris: No! I mean you can’t because if you kill him, you kill half of our readers!

Roméo: What? Koreans are reading us?

Chris: No! I meant him. He’s one of the only two readers we have. That’s why you can’t kill him if you ever want to be famous.

Roméo: Oh.

Roméo: Damn. 

Chris: I know.

Roméo: I thought we were more popular than that. 

An Impossible Task

Roméo: I don’t get what you’re doing this.

Chris: Because it’s tradition. And, according to my parents and to genetics, he’s my brother.

Roméo: I know, but usually you just…

Chris: … don’t care? Damn right! And I still don’t. But it’s the big 18. It’ll look bad if I don’t at least make an effort.

Roméo: Okay. So, you got any idea?

Chris: Nope. All I know is that it has to be cheap enough so I can afford it.

Roméo: You could draw his portrait. That would cost you nothing.

Chris: Nothing besides nightmare. And I told you, I don’t know how to draw lions.

Roméo: Oh, I got one! What about chocolate? He loves chocolate!

Chris: Yeah… But I would probably eat them before even getting home.

Roméo: You’re really not making this easy. At least, I don’t have to buy him anything. Ah, the joy of being me!

Chris: That’s pretty unfair if you ask me.

Roméo: Oh, but I’m still getting him something.

Chris: Really? What did you buy him? Maybe I could say we purchased it together?

Roméo: Err… I didn't purchase it per se. More like… chased it. I’m keeping it somewhere in the garden. But I can’t find the head, I hope he doesn’t mind.

Chris: I think I’m going to throw up.

Job Hunting 1

Chris: Okay… Butcher… Ew. Definitely a no. 

Roméo: What are you doing? 

Chris: Job hunting.

Roméo: Again?

Chris: Well, you may have noticed that I still don’t have a job.

Roméo: I thought your job was to take care of me.

Chris: No, I’m taking care of you because I’m a masochist, and because nobody else will.

Roméo: Right. So what do you have so far?

Chris: Butcher.

Roméo: Ew, gross.

Chris: My thoughts exactly.

Roméo: What about this one? They’re looking for a cook, no experience or diplomas needed.

Chris: I hate cooking.

Roméo: But you’re always baking cakes.

Chris: No I’m not, and it’s not the same thing. I bake chocolate cakes to eat them. I’m not a cook. Plus, I don’t think setting their kitchen on fire would get me a gold star.

Roméo: Probably not. What about this one? Hair dresser…

Chris: No way. I can barely do my hair correctly.

Roméo: Well, you know what they say about doctors being the worst patients. It works for hair dressers too.

Chris: Ah yes. But no, I’m still not interested in listening to old women’s gossip all day long. I already have to listen to you bitching all day long.

Roméo: That’s not true, I don’t bitch, I… I strongly express my opinion.

Chris: Right. I’m tired of this, let’s go watch CSI instead.

Roméo: I thought you’d never ask!

Weapons Of Ears Destruction

Roméo: Hey!

Chris: …

Roméo: Hello?

Chris: …

Roméo: What’s going on?

Chris: I’m not talking to you.

Roméo: Why? What’s wrong?

Chris: You’re asking me what’s wrong? Seriously?

Roméo: I thought that was obvious.

Chris: You want to know what’s wrong? Okay, I’ll tell you! It’s you! You, you stupid deaf, power hungry, noisy, lazy cat!

Roméo: Don’t you think it’s funny you just described yourself, save for the cat part?

Chris: Argh! I hate you!

Roméo: Can I at least know what I did wrong?

Chris: You snored! You fraking snored again! With Mufasa out of the house I thought I could sleep undisturbed for once but noooo! You had to come, sleep on my bed, and snore my ear off!

Roméo: I always sleep in your room…

Chris: Yes, and that is fine. But there’s a strict “no snoring” rule! You can’t snore! 

Roméo: Well, it’s not like I can help it.

Chris: I don’t care! What is it, huh? You and Mufasa are ganging up on me, aren’t you? Is this your masterplan? Driving me crazy with the snoring and then take advantage of my sleep deprivation to attack me, is that it?

Roméo: No! Of course not! I’m sorry, I’ll try to refrain.

Chris: You’d better. Next time, I’m throwing you out. Plus that plan would never work in a million years.

Roméo: I know. (Don’t be so sure about that! Mwa ah ah!!!)

A (Boring) Day In The Life

Roméo: Hey.
Chris: Hey.
Roméo: …
Chris: …
Roméo: You too, eh?
Chris: Yeah.
Roméo: …
Chris: …
Roméo: We could do something.
Chris: Got an idea?
Roméo: …
Roméo: No. You?
Chris: Nope.
Roméo: …
Chris: …
Roméo: …
Chris: Still nothing?
Roméo: Still nothing.
Chris: …
Roméo: …
Chris: I’m so bored right now.
Roméo: Yeah, me too.